bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
