you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
