Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
