she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
we made out on top of his cat.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I did not marry a roomba.
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