I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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