I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
