Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
