I am puke
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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