Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
