I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
