oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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