Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Michael Bay diarrhea
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
