From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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