No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
