She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
