yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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