I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
