I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think my moral compass just broke
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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