I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
either way he was missing a nipple.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
