i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
