I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
