What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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