remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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