I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
