yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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