My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
