I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
