"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
