drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
