Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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