Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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