dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
