i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
