Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
