I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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