OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
