I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
