My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
