One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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