Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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