The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm just crazy horny about you
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
