I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
