I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
