She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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