Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
