I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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