I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
