on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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