im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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