just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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