I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
