i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
