Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize