You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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