dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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