I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
